Sometimes, I wonder where God is.
When I hear of parents losing a child, or a wife suddenly losing her husband long before his time, and I think: this is too harsh. Like the world's made of sheet metal; inflexible, unforgiving and with far too many sharp corners.
I can't imagine there not being a God; I've had too many divine encounters for it to be a possibility - it would be like someone telling me my daughter didn't exist. But over the last couple of years I've been un-learning a lot of stuff that I've been told over the years, that never quite sat right with me. Like, God doesn't bless committed, same-sex relationships. Or that all those who aren't Christian won't go to heaven. It's been a process of gradual re-evaluation, stripping away the untruths and inauthenticity and holding on to what remains. This way freedom lies.
Right now, I feel like I'm pretty sure about what I DON'T believe, and that's helpful, because it at least draws some defining lines that start to give me a picture of what my faith looks like. But it isn't enough to stay here, defined by the negative space, and now I need to start the process of identifying what I DO believe, where I DO find God.
I'm going to be honest - church is difficult for me right now. I feel stifled by the formality and the expectations that I've placed on myself about how I should be connecting with God there and the disappointment that at the moment, I'm just not. In the book Sleeping with Bread, the authors talk about an element of Ignatian spirituality called the Examen. In it's simplest form, the Examen is about reflecting on what brings you closer to God and what takes you further away so that you can identify those things that "give you life" and then DO THEM!
So, for now, I'm accepting that I'm not feeling connected with God while I'm at church, and instead choosing to focus on where I do feel that connection. Like when I'm in my walking gear, regardless of the weather, in a beautiful place (although I'll be honest, sunshine is always particularly wonderful). Or when I'm reading blogs written by people who resonate with me, like Glennon over at Momastery, or Rachel Held Evans or Addie at How to Talk Evangelical. We're separated by an ocean but on many things, we share a common heart. (Especially Addie - her posts have accompanied me through much of my 'sifting'!)
So in conclusion: Life is still beautiful. God is still here. And when the world feels like it's all corners, it's time to look deeper.
